Crucial Confessions: A Non-Fiction

Stuck Can’t don’t won’t give a fuck

Tired Goodness gracious me No longer admired

I want out Shoot me in the foot No more doubts

Everyday turmoil Eeny meeny miny mo Makes me recoil

Do what you say Red green blue blue blue Lost my own way

Not working out Never give up never surrender! Not giving it room for second thought

Love is dieing Sugar coat the world Everyday filled with sighing

Lost the individual No I in Team No me in we either

I am a role A cliche No longer meaning to my name

Never buy into someone elses reality, because therein you lose yourself.

i feel …anything i say can and will be used against me in a court of law.

if i say it wrong…its over. one chance, one shot. drama queen.

speak your mind…no such thing because it will cost you much more than its worth…always much more than its worth.

shut your mouth. keep it together. think more than twice about what you have to say. two times four, 74 times 7 just think much more than twice.

thats the way uh huh uh huh…

not feeling like myself so much, no not so much. 

spoiled. im spoiled. meeeee meeeeeeeeee meeeeeeeeeeeeeee. spoiled. selfish. rotten.

dont change your ways. BUT change your ways. subliminal messages in a un-subliminal way.

light behind my eyes dim dim dimmmmmerrrrrr. 

dont talk…just listen. everything you do is wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. dont say how you feel. dont cry. drama queen.

i found the right answer…

nehw did i emoceb ew mi os desu ot tusj gnieb em

etal sthgin, taerg sthgin tuo niod eht tsom

ytpme llehs fo flesym nihtemos ekil a tsohg

Indefinitely searching for an indescribable find. But the cacophony of everyday life renders me blind.

Show me the truth. I saw a flash of a soul once, behind some brown eyes. Fleeting. Flitting. Flirting. Before it said goodbye.

In the moment it peeked, ever so slight, was in an endearing touch. Almost unnoticeable, very light.

But that soul was not mine to be had and to pursue something that isn’t yours will cause destruction, ruin, and drive you mad.

So I go on with life wandering, wondering if I will ever glimpse something so pure, so sweet, innocent, nurturing; dare I say…loving, ever again. Because if one never experiences that in their lifetime, living would have been in vain.

“Hey mag Vegas are you down?” My answer…”when will you be ready???” Just so happens a friend of mine was also in town so if we got tired we could hit his diggs for a nap niiiice. Enter stage left: Sin City. Let the debauchery begin. On the way my “Roll dawg fo lyfe” called ahead to a club and got us put on the list…god i love brilliant people. So we meet up with said friend, lets call him ‘Drop Dead Fred’, where i begin our night/day with a bottle of five hour energy and a cute dress that doesn’t scream WHORE! We split, and me and my Roll Dawg and Fred went separate ways…off to Tryst. Soooo a million Becky’s and Suzie Wong’s later…we were in and all i saw were B-rads and the cute black guys were all over Beckys soooo looks like tonight we were gonna swirl a bit. To get the night started we cased the joint, looking for a cool dance spot with room and away from the packed out dance floor. DJ wasnt so bad either he had a good mix going. i bought us drinks which were higher than Manhattan priced drinks and i wasnt planning on spending any more money. So we make our chocolatey way closer to the dance floor then of course inevitably in the mish mosh of people. it was fun. In this PBJ type of smash was this B-rad who reminded me of ‘Chandler’ from friends. Buuuut, white boy was throwin DOWN. LOL. I have never seen a white boy dance so well and he was diggin on the chocolate hunnies so he became our buddy. He said he had a table and then he DEF became out best friend, drinks later i was buzzed and dancin my heart out whilst getting slightly molested by Chandler, and im pretty sure we made out, which wasnt as good as his dancing. Texts from Drop Dead Fred showed he was ready to quit where he was at and our party was gonna shut down soon so we bounced. Taxi time. On the way to the taxi i met many a “becky” whom i called “becky” and we exchanged ‘awsomes’ and ‘totallys’ then went our separate ways. We hop in a cab back to the hotel. were back. its like 4 something. Im wide awake and i have the penny slot itch. But my handlers felt necessary to keep a close watch on me since i wast looking wide eyed confused happy and crazed all at once. So me, Fred and my Dawg head downstairs to the casino…My Dawg was hungry so she went for food and i was suppsed to wait, but i felt llike i had to explore the depths of the casino so i left. They found me and stripped me of my cute black pumps thinking that i wouldnt go any where without my shoes…i thought these people knew me lol. I disappear this time causing much more uproar cus this lil curly headed gurl gots no shoes oh lawdy! First i ran into Brenda, nice middle aged lady who looked like she had five cats and no husband and spends her early morning here after a graveyard shift…i asked her how to play the slots and she gave me the tutorial with a pat on the head and asked me, quite concerned, “where are your shoes” in which i replied very wide eyed and scared “i dont know.” lol. Well i was found by my handlers (i think) but i just wandered off again. At this point in time my Dawg was tired and went up to the room and Fred had put my shoes upstairs and was coming back to make sure i didnt get kidnapped. So alone again, i was trying to play penny slots when a mexican middle aged man who looked like he had an overweight wife came up to me and asked me if i was working tonight…Now my little drunkie self isnt stupid, just have slight ADD and i was outraged! the man thought i was a PRO??? i told him that he was creepy and to leave me alone, but instead i left lol. Then i ran into Monica, a 23 year old black girl who looked nice, not my type though, and she was concerned about me. Perhaps the crazed wild confused happy look i had in my eyes. She mainly wondered “where are your shoes” and i rambled some story about “friends taking wander” and walked away. it was then that Fred caught up to me, but i think i left him again to go get money becuase the change lady was concerend that i would step on glass or vomit because of my lack of foot covering. Geez who knew how wrong it is to walk around with no shoes!? So Fred finally got me to stop moving and we were playing the penny slots with dollars and i won 6! but im sure i spent at least 10 sooo i guess it worked out. I was out of dollar bills and we had a few more complimentary drinks, gotta love FREE, and we went back up to the room. See one thing EVERYBODY doesnt know about me is that when i gets tipsy i get naked for some reason my clothes are always missing. So i decided that in this rockstar hotel room i should get in the awesome tub with a bubble bath…let the awkward destruction begin.

TO BE CONTINUED

wonder and yesteryear, what could be and if im really “here”.

• I once was a squatter
• I have been in a car chase
• I once beat up a girl with one eye
• I can’t help being the responsible one even
• My mother has Parkinson’s disease
• I don’t dream in color
• Music is life water
• I am a work in progress
• I like making random acquaintances
• Love is an enigma
• I highly dislike school
• My life is on “shuffle”, and I like it that way
• I am a gypsy
• There is no such thing as normal
• I don’t like rules
• I love museums
• I wish the world was covered in carpet so we could walk around in socks
• If I could taste purple, im sure it would taste like grape
• I used to think black people tasted like chocolate and white people tasted like vanilla when I was little..too bad not true
• So many boys…too little time
• Slightly vain
• Stubborn
• Usually always happy
• I am and always will be spoiled rotten, but still humble
• I have 6 tattoos
• I listen to anyone and everyone because i love a good story and being entertained
• I don’t do what most people want on purpose
• I hate people with no motivation
• I have the attention span of a knat
• My heart froze over three years ago…its in a block of ice in someones fridge
• I think everyone is a serial killer in New York, but i still go out and party with strangers
• My favorite hobby is making new memories
• I love strangers
• I attract psychos and crazies
• Alcohol is great but not necessary to have a good time
• A perfect day is a BBQ with friends with some beach and sun and beers and stories = California
• I AM the Crazysauce…everyone understands WHY one day.